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Downwards Goes Bautista: What if the Reds picked a fight?

Baseball players have never quite had the reputation of â€Å"athletes.” Sure, everyone knows baseball is a sport and superhumans similar Bo Jackson and Mike Trout play information technology, only when Bartolo Colon can jack a dinger at 42 years of historic period, the overall degree of difficulty just doesn’t seem that high.

Instead, baseball is the thinking man’due south game. While it can’t stack upward in sheer levels of testosterone to football or basketball or hockey or soccer—okay, peradventure not soccer—its players can even so outthink everyone else. The gladiatorial violence we’ve come up to expect from other sports simply manifests against unsuspecting water coolers in this one. Well, until this past Sunday.

You’ve probably seen it already, but let me put it in words: Information technology was the punch that hit harder than whatsoever concoction at a SEC frat political party. It was a correct hook that could’ve stripped the tattoo from Mike Tyson’due south eye. It was Canada losing the shred of dignity it gained from Drake condign the best rapper alive.

When Rougned Odour rocked Jose Bautista’s cranium with a devastating right hook, he dropped the lights on the façade of the thinking man’s game.

Scent's pause volition be worth it for this punch. https://t.co/8Zqkf1jUfI

— Jamil Smith (@JamilSmith) May 15, 2016

Then what does any of this have to practice with the Reds? Absolutely null! That’south the beauty of it. We Reds fans can watch Jose Bautista hit the deck again and over again and again and over again and again and once again and momentarily experience for him but really only feel the most natural joy a person tin feel by watching it once again.

It does beg the question: Who is the Reds version of Rougned Smell?

Sympathize the question isn't asking who is the all-time fighter on the Reds because that is conspicuously Homer Bailey (The man killed a lion! With a crossbow!). Rather, the questions asks who—when his teammates need him the most—would step up to the plate and slug a man.

This kind of reckless disregard for one’s own wellness, safety, job security, dignity requires a special kind of person. A person with a dissimilar brand-up than the residuum of us. A person with:

1. Volatility—No one is starting a fight without some sort of spark plug in them.
2. Menace—You have to be imposing to exist willing to start a melee. Who’s more likely to driblet someone cold—Matt Holliday or Zack Cozart?
3. Grit—The bulldoze to never give up fifty-fifty with no odds of winning. Practiced ole’ Skip Schumaker would exist proud. We’re getting scrappy up in hither.

From these attributes, you find some obvious categories of players. Not everyone is congenital to live in a world of violence. To apply the Matt Holliday example once again, that human would practise annihilation and go away with it—he's in category four. Zack Cozart? Less of a threat, but he's got some serious dust and then let's say category three.

Simply for whatsoever of this to fifty-fifty happen, there needs to be a believable situation. The Reds don’t have the luxury that the Rangers and Blueish Jays do—having competed in the playoffs—and then what reason is there for them to become enraged? Playing the Pirates is the obvious answer but the obvious respond is boring.

What if, instead of traditional baseball beefiness, this ane arises from the hapless Reds bullpen facing the hapless Braves lineup for 5+ innings—a.thousand.a. the Doomsday Scenario.

Philosophical question: Reds pitching vs Braves hitting. Would there be a home run or not?

— Joel Luckhaupt (@jluckhaupt) Apr 26, 2016

WHICH Ruddy WOULD SAVE United states of america ALL FROM 5 INNINGS OF THE ABSOLUTE WORST PROFESSIONAL Baseball YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE*?

*The Braves, much like in real life, are ineffective pawns in this imaginary scenario.

***

I. All Bawl no Bite
High Volatility, Depression Menace, Depression Grit

Billy Hamilton – Look, I love Billy Hamilton, but doesn’t he kind of remind yous of that abrasive lap dog your Aunt Phyllis keeps in her pocketbook? He’ll spout off every in one case in a while, run around similar crazy, generally be a whirling dervish, only nothing e'er comes of it. Billy a hundred percentage would get in Jose Bautista’s face up, and then hightail information technology to centerfield considering ain’t no way he’s landing the get-go punch.

Brandon Phillips – Nosotros already know how this ane turns out. DatDude can talk a big game, tap some shin guards, oral cavity off a bit, but when the fight breaks out, Scott Rolen is the 1 going full berserk. Every team needs a fuse, and Brandon does that well—he’south just not the dynamite at the other end.

John Lamb – To be honest, John Lamb has not spent plenty time with the Reds for me to have an authentic gauge of his personality. But his team picture makes him look a scrap like Shaggy and Shaggy is notorious for being super laid-back and running from every fight he’s fifty-fifty thought about, so John Lamb for certain is just here to make sarcastic remarks, eat a ton, and run to the hills.

II. All Buff no Brass
Depression Volatility, High Menace, Depression Dust

Jay Bruce – If you met Jay Bruce at say a vacation party, you would be terrified. Here’s this large Texan with forearms the size of a 2-year old and here’s you—scrawny in a butterball sort of way—so you’re going to be a bit scared for your life. That’south a piddling thing I like to call the Matt Holliday Upshot. That said, unlike Matt Holliday, Jay is a goofball and a teddy bear and so no fashion is he picking a fight to get his team out of the Doomsday Scenario.

Eugenio Suarez – Whenever I think of Eugenio Suarez trying to start a fight, I remember of Jim Carrey’southward Ace Ventura character pronouncing Suarez’southward name in that super abrasive, over-the-top way. AY-you lot-hen-EE-oo. There’s no way everyone in the immediate vicinity does not devolve into hysterics after that scrap. How can you fight if you’re laughing so hard y'all can’t feel the tears running down your face up?

Tucker Barnhart – Tucker is a bit like Chipper Jones. For ane, he’southward named Tucker, which is probably the most Southern thing I tin think of exterior of the name Chipper. And two, you lot know he tin can probably gut you similar 6 different means all before he’south had his breakfast of ten sausage links and a dozen eggs. But so you look at him and his sparkling blueish eyes and all you want to do is pinch his cheeks and rub his tummy. Tucker might stop the fight, but he won’t first it.

3. I Wouldn’t Put Information technology Past Him
Someone who wouldn’t surprise yous but isn’t your first gauge. An fifty-fifty residuum of all iii characteristics.

Joey Votto – Joey Votto is liable to exercise absolutely anything at any moment. This I know for a fact. Joey is the type of guy who seems really mad ane minute and then starts laughing and acting like it’s all a joke the next, just you lot can’t actually tell if he’s notwithstanding mad or if information technology actually is all a joke, so you lot simply kind of half smile and back abroad slowly. Joey would totally start a fight, but I take no idea why he would do it.

Homer Bailey – Homer is conspicuously the well-nigh capable fighter on the Reds (once more: he killed a king of beasts), hence why he moonlights every bit Batman.

Our spin on #NationalLookAlikeDay. pic.twitter.com/rXiZSyM4Al

— MLB GIFS (@MLBGIFs) April xx, 2016

Homer, true to his bat nature, also never shows any emotion and emotion is a key component of the impromptu KO’ing of a homo. Homer is the hero we deserve, just non the one we need.

Brandon Finnegan – My sister is going to TCU next year, otherwise known as Brandon Finnegan’s alma mater. My sister is also the just person I’ve always known to beat someone twice her size (one of my friends) into submission with the zipper of a hoodie. So by the transitive property, Brandon Finnegan would absolutely pick a fight with someone using whatever was at his disposal.

Adam Duvall – Okay, so this one is a chip of a cop-out, because when writing this, I stared at a flick of Adam Duvall for approximately 15 consecutive minutes. Around minute 7, I idea, â€Å"He looks like someone.” At minute 12, I realized, â€Å"He looks similar Mac from E'er Sunny!” I rationalized if there was e'er a human personification of the phrase â€Å"I wouldn’t put it past him,” it would be Mac from E'er Sunny. That dude’due south basics. It took me until infinitesimal 14 for me to realize they look nil alike. At minute 15, I wrote this blurb anyway.

IV. Yeah, He Would Do That
Loftier everything; don’t mess with these guys ÂÂ

Dan Straily – Reasons why Dan Straily would off-the-gage punch someone: his bristles, he’s a 24^th round draft pick, his beard, he once told a doctor he wanted to throw 94 mph once again and so it happened, and his bristles. Reasons why he wouldn’t: he wants to go on his job. Reasons why that doesn’t matter: the Reds don’t accept anyone to replace him. Punch away Dan Straily, punch abroad.

Devin Mesoraco – Yous may exist thinking: But Devin has a bad hip and now a bad shoulder, why on earth would he adventure another injury in a ball? While your thinking is entirely valid, Devin Mesoraco too has nothing to lose. He’s out for six months anyway, why shouldn’t he cold cock someone for the entertainment value? Also, not to exist hateful, but Devin sort of, kind of looks like a guy who would play a serial killer on Criminal Minds. I think it’s the strong forehead. It’s intimidating.

Tony Cingrani – ane) His nickname is Kingpin. 2) This gif:

Yes, Tony Cingrani would do that.

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Source: https://www.redlegnation.com/2016/05/18/random-acts-of-aggression-what-if-the-reds-picked-a-fight/

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